


If at first you don't succeed . . . Destory all evidence that you tried.

by angietucker



Series: Words of Wisdom [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Awesome Jarvis (Iron Man movies), Fluff and Humor, Gen, Missions Gone Wrong, Pranks and Practical Jokes, cursing, foam, words of wisdom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-24
Updated: 2015-04-24
Packaged: 2018-03-25 11:59:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3809566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angietucker/pseuds/angietucker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Alliance had been made. Mission objectives were decided.  One member in charge of distraction and extraction. The other two in charge of actual collection.  They need ten minutes to succeed, but fate wasn't on their side.  </p>
<p>Everyone knows .... if at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If at first you don't succeed . . . Destory all evidence that you tried.

 

The goal was a particular file on Tony's special computer, the one computer Jarvis was not connected to.  It hadn't even been connected to the internet; it was that virginal and clean and untouchable except from it's terminal.  Tony had hand crafted every single piece of this machine and stored his most guarded treasures on it.  Specifically, any blackmail material on the other avengers and the world who stupidly gave him the opportunity to get it.  He would only connect his phone via a usb transfer cord to extract files to it.  Every file name was encoded as well, to make it harder to grab what you wanted at a glance.  You had to know the key to figure out what was what.  Tony, of course, refused to even admit that this computer existed for a reason.

  
The files on this computer was worth more then all the gold in the the world.  Reporters would sell their souls to have a single file.  Tumblr fan girls would kill for certain naked photos on the hard drive of the Avengers and of Tony's past conquests. Villains around the world would love to see the plans Tony kept on this computer.

  
They had to succeed.  Just having a single file would be the greatest prize.  It was the current ultimate challenge.

  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~

  
  
 A pair of heads quickly looked up from the computer monitor to the small flashing red light in the corner of the room.  Jarvis's voice was calm and steady.

"The quickest way out is through the door to your left."

"Shiiiiit," was softly whispered as a dark head turned to look at their escape route."

"How long do we have till the target reaches the room, Jarvis?"

The red headed assassin calmly started to pick up a variety of usb drives on the table.  Each one filled with different and expensive decryption and search programs and a few computer viruses.  If they copied the whole hard drive could leave behind a trail towards, but a single file would likely not be noticed by Tony, especially since Pepper was out of the country for three days on business and Tony unconciously refused to sleep while she was gone.

"At his current pace,  Sir and War machine will be here in ten minutes."

Two legendary Russian assassins turned to each other and began a silent conversation that consisted of lip twitches and raised eyebrows.  After a few moments of silent arguing. The brunet and red head nodded to each other and began to put plan f into action.  One set of nimble fingers propped the mouse, stylus, and a small vial of blue gunk over the keyboard as the other poured a soft pink and blue powder into the space below the keys.  The powder was then spread to key places around the desk, monitor, and pc tower as well.

"Five minute warning, I can only stall the elevator for so long," Jarvis quietly intoned, his voice laced with a hint of mischief; as if he had gotten into Stark's liquor cabinet and had found a damn good digital whiskey or brandy.

The brunet moved to the other side of the room and jumped onto a chair and pushed the air vent just a tad bit out of place. On his way down, he purposefully dropped a small feather; just like the ones fletched on to Hawkeye's practice arrows.  The red head spritzed a slight amount of scent into the air from a small atomizer, leaving the smell of a certain archer's coffee and pizza behind.

With this done, both assassin's turned the back door Jarvis had mentioned earlier and snuck their way down the back stairs.  Everyone involved was mildly disappointed that their success was not firmly in hand.  Jarvis already had his "truth bending" protocols called up and fake footage ready to show when the fall out of this prank / data recovery op was discovered by the rest of the team.  It would be atleast another month before they could try to retrieve their files again.

To further set the stage for their innocence, both assassins grabbed previously staged shopping bags from the steps located a floor below the common room floor.  Instead of using the stairs to go up, they made their way to the elevator.  It would be easy for Jarvis to fake their return from the store if their location was ever questioned.   They begun to talk loudly in russian and continued a loud sounding argument as they stepped into the common room floor.  They acknowledged the loud and cheerful hail of hello from Thor and the wave from Bruce before continuing They pulled flour and sugar from their bags and continued their fast paced russian snarking on what they could do next time to reach their goal.

The minutes slid by and the three culprits waited.  They had fun talking to their teammates about what kind of cookies they were going to make them eat after they experimented with an old russian recipe.  The search for other ingredients, bowls, and cookie sheets soothed their impatience for some sign of success.  It took maybe ten minutes before the doors of the elevators whooshed open and two figures stepped out.  Both were grateful that they had decided to return to the common room when they saw Tony and Rhodey covered in the bright purple foam from the prank they had left behind.

Tony looked like a wet, angry puppy, torn between shaking off the offending foam or just rubbing himself against the culprit who dared prank him.  What ever ragged metal band tee he wore was now stained with the purple colour.  Everyone could see the purple splotches on his exposed skin. He looked like a bad Barney cosplay, but this was nothing next to Rhodey.

Rhodey was furious, righteously so since his uniform was now covered in an obnoxiously bright purple foam that was as far from regulation as you could get.  While it was harder to see the colour purple of his face and hands, you could still see the dark stains where foam had been.  Both of the men's jaws were clenched, but it was Rhodey who opened his mouth and set forth a string of curses that would have made Director Fury proud.

Both assassins were rather impressed at this unintentional reenactment of a rather bungled basic op in the Ukraine.  In fact, it was even better because small clumps of the foam flew through the air like confetti, punctuating every angry gesture and head shake. What made it all even better was the look on Steve's face when he walked into the common room, attracted to the sound of War machine cussing. The look of shock, morphed into amusement, then into soft chuckles.  Bruce couldn't contain a soft chuckle before quickly snapping his jaw shut.  Thor let out long low laughter snort before smothering the rest of his mirth.

Both assassins let their mirth show in half smirks and raised eyebrows as they slowly eyed Rhodey and Tony.

Steve quickly tried to smother his laughter, "What hap ... _chuckle_ .... happened ..... _snerk_ ... happened guys?"

Rhodey' monologue, that used curses like commas, came to a sputtering halt as he turned to glare at Captain "Troll-ass" America.

Tony discovered his voice as he turned and glared at his science bro, "Someone decided to help Robin Hood perform an experiment outside the labs.  What have I said about this? .... "

"It wasn't me," Bruce quickly interrupted," This time at least."

"Where is the pizza eating bastard!? Jarvis, Where is he? I need to explain the lab rules and introduce my foot to his ass."

"Hawkeye is currently not in the building, sir," Jarvis responded.

"He ran away!" Tony threw his hands up into the air and more puffs of purple foam floated down to the carpet to join the others shed by Rhodey.

"He's been on assignment all week, Tony," Bruce quick pointed out as his not smile grew into a full smirk.

"It had to be him," Tony exclaimed as his arms gestured broadly and the foam flew even higher," He had to have found out that I kept a recording of his ice ice baby drunk karaoke dance off on  the computer."

Everyone smirked as they remembered that night three weeks ago at a local bar. Clint had even managed to find an few drunk men in business suits and serenaded the entire bar with hits like YMCA, Bonanza, and the now infamous ice ice baby routine.

"He was trying to destroy it," Tony glared at the floor as his mind began to plot revenge; horribly over complicated revenge that involved paint gun balls and robot copies of the Village people,"The bastard destroyed his humillation video without realizing that I always have a backup."

"Then leak it to the press," the voice was steel cold and promised death by a thousand different painful methods.

You could hear the wind swoosh in the room as everyone turned to look at Rhodey.

"If he's willing destroy your computer, my personal phone, uniform, and rig said computer to blare M.J's Smooth Criminal while I'm getting covered in purple foam, then he is quite willing to be humiliated on international tv."

As Rhodey's face turned more vicious with every word, Barbie helpfully showed the rest of the Avengers what had happened in the room.  The holographic video had three different camera angles and showed an unsuspecting Rhodey and Tony enter the room; oblivious to the rather precarious balancing tower of items on the desk.  Both men were completely unaware that the only thing that kept them from being foamed was a single jolt of the table, so when Tony threw the screwdriver onto the desk as he reached for the chair ... all hell broke loose.

Jarvis helpfully played the few moments between the screwdriver knocking over the vial of blue liquid to the first explosive shot of purple foam into Tony's face three times, in slow motion.  As Tony and Rhodey remained oblivious to the videos as they discussed the best way to leak the full video to the press, everyone else in the room was turning red and trying to smother their laughter. Bruce had hidden his face in a cushion. Thor had realized that it was probably not a good idea to laugh out loud, but his efforts created a lot of static electricity and his hair had started to lift into the air. Both assassins were using every inch of their Red room training to stay silent, but one metal armed assassin was doing his best to not  break down and cackle as he pounded the counter with glee.  The other half of this duo allowed a smirk to grace her lips as her eyes sparkled.

Steve, stoic asshole that he is, lasted the longest with his straight face; but when Jarvis let the videos continue and it was revealed that the foam got _every where_ , under shirts and into pants, and had left both men brightly stained like Easter eggs ... he lost it. He cackled loudly as he grabbed his left pectoral and flung his body backwards against the back of the couch and nearly landed on top of Bruce.

  
Everyone stopped what they were doing to watch Captain America as he wheezed five words.

"The computer came all over Tony."

Whatever will power was left in the others was gone.  Thor's laughter boomed through the room with a loud crackle of energy.  Bruce gave up all pretense and his laughter started with a snerk and became belly chortles. Steve could do nothing more then lean against Bruce and shake him periodically.  Both assassins in the kitchen gave up, leaned against the closest counter, their giggles hidden under the louder laughter of their teammates.

Tony and Rhodey were frozen in place for different reasons.  Rhodey just realized what had been playing behind his back, how it looked, and that he was covered in possible computer cum.  Tony was frozen because his mind quickly jumped to conclusions about all his bots and why Dum-dum loved the fire extinguisher so much.  Both men paled and a slight green tinge slide across their faces.  Tony's quick mouth though, defrosted first, his brain only a moment behind.

"That is not how I imagined our first threesome would go, Rhodey."

This set Steve off into another pec grabbing, full body laughter attack, "Bruce, the computer came on Tony and Rhodey."

Tony and Rhodey began their versions of that rare squick dance as they yelled for Jarvis to start showers and get out the weird alien guts soap.  The gentle whoosh of the elevator doors was drowned out by the whooping laughs and coughs of the rest of the Avengers in the common room.  Steve was finally winding down and sat up to take deep breathes as Thor slapped his knee one last time.

"This a story for sharing with the world, Captain.  Much bonding could be had if it t'was shared with the evening news."

Steve was so out of breathe that he could only seal clap and nod his head at Thor's words.

Bruce tried to gain his composure and shake his head, "Only if Tony starts something first at another press conference."

The ignored assassins looked at each other and then to one of Jarvis's many video sensors and grinned.  Their mission had been a success.  Between the foam and their hard work, they would soon have a copy of Clint's humiliation on youtube and as a bonus they got three teammates with one prank.

 

  
~~~~~~~~~~~

 

  
They got another bonus via secret email from Jarvis later that night.

 

 

  
_To: BAMF.Soldaluva.BB36@######mail.com, BAMF.Bitsyspydr.NR94@######mail.com_

_From:BAMF.Butler.TTime4eva@######mail.com_

_Subject; Bonus audio_

 

 These could make excellent ringtones.

 

**_Warmachine audio files_ **  


_Omg_   


_Gawddamntrollrodgers_   


_Immakillemwheniseehim_   


_Muthaeffingarchersandfoam_   


_Tonystoppipingyourdamnsingingintomyshower_

  
  
**_Ironman audio files_ **  


_Neverbeclean_   


_Ironmantonystylekaroake_   


_itshardbeingaubergine_   


_Imhotshitmytechlovesme_   


_Isitincestifilovemybotsandtheyloveme_   


_Airforcerhodeycadencetonyremix_

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> It has been a while since I have written any fanfic, so I'm very rusty and hoping to improve my writing and build up to a story that has been poking me in the side. So I'm trying my hand at a series inspired by Words of Wisdom. 
> 
> This is not been beta'd by anyone, so any mistakes are my own and I tried. I spent three days editing it before I lost my nerve to post it. I hope you enjoy.


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